This Saturday, I am throwing an anniversary party - to remember my husband. A year after he passed away, we will gather at my house to celebrate his life, tell stories, take pictures, play games, and remember his ways, his words, his idiosyncrasies, his habits, and his relationships. We will write words to remember him, eat Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers from Wendy's, drink plenty of beer and red wine, sip Maker's Mark, and enjoy our home and the myriad pictures we have of him, as friends and Journey co-workers reflect on their time with him, and talk about what it has been like WITHOUT HIM.
For the past year, I have been trying to live day to day without John, striving as best I can to keep our house running, take care of the kids and myself, stay in touch with God, family, and friends, and keep busy and distracted. I have been forcing myself to understand and follow through on what I think it means to live without him. But I think that's where I'm getting it wrong. Maybe I don't go on living "without" him because John will always be a part of me. I know how he would react to the things that come my way. I reflect on what John would do when I have to make decisions. Although he is not present with me, he has not "left". So, I am not going to wake up each day anymore and think "how do I live without him?" He's not here, but much of him still lives on. In some ways, he hasn't left. His pictures remain, his stories are still alive, and his wisdom and way of doing things affects my everyday life (except when I am hell-bent on doing things my way...duh.) I am grateful to have spent 24 years with him. I will always have that.
Truthfully, I have been very angry with God. I have called Him "mean" and, for the record, I still think He blew it. But something happened recently that is making me push against my anger and start to trust Him.
For the past few months, I have heard or read the words "God will never leave you or forsake you" a billion times. Each time I would roll my eyes because I didn't believe it. It has FELT like God has left us - after all, He did not do what I wanted Him to do. My sadness is real, my kids have no father, I am a widow, and life is hard without him. I have felt abandoned because I believe God could have done something, yet did not. People kept telling me that He had "forsaken us or left us". Still not believing any of this, I told my friend (and prayed to God) that if I heard the words "forsake" or "left" during church the next day, that I would believe it. That was on Saturday.
Well, during the prayer time the next day, Sunday, they prayed specifically for my family, by name, asking God to give us peace this anniversary week, granting us the assurance that "God has not forsaken or left" us. And get this....I had to hear it TWICE because I was playing the piano at both services. God wanted me to hear it loud and clear. Plus He was calling me out on my end of the deal. I said if I heard it then I needed to believe it. Basically, I had asked God to prove His promise to me - and He did. Twice.
So God has not left. And because of our strong story together, John hasn't either. Neither John nor God have forsaken me or left me. Let me say that I don't think that John guides me from above. His ways of doing things guide me - how he taught me (or any of us) how to do things and how to communicate (or NOT do things or how NOT to communicate, depending). His memory lives on. In a very real and audible way, God is teaching me that His Word is true and believable even when it doesn't FEEL like its believable. I asked for proof and He gave it to me. God wants me to believe it, but He knows I am slow and very resistant to the hard work of casting aside disbelief. I still have a LOT to grow in when it comes to believing. Thing is, I just want things to go my way. But it doesn't always work out that way, right?
So this next year, I'm gonna lay down my anger and set aside my fears and doubts so that God can speak to the part of me that knows I am something deep down inside....whole. The truest thing about me is NOT that I am a widow. I am my own person, capable of many things, growing and learning, loving and changing. I'm gonna let Him speak to my pain and confusion and be awakened to the story ahead which won't let me wallow in self-pity and helplessness. I am coming to a place of healing....my part is to let go of the anger and place less emphasis on my FEELING and more on God's promise for my future - however sad I may be today or in the future. I believe bright days are ahead. I need to look for them, reflect on my past, glean from my experiences and my relationships, and lean toward the One who knows my future.
The future looks bright...so I gotta wear shades. Take a close look - you can see the Eiffel Tower (where John took us on his sabbatical the summer before he was diagnosed), both kids, and John taking the picture.
