Still Pretty Mad

I received a message from a high school friend this morning through Facebook, telling me that she has been thinking about me and thought I should know. Oh, how I love that. She wanted to remind me that God will never leave me, and that He brings comfort, He is love, and He gives peace. She reminded me that there is nothing that I think or feel that He doesn't know about already. And I believe her in my head. And I trust her because she has walked down this road of grief when her sister took her own life.

But then there is the seeming reality that God did indeed forsake me in that He did not do what I begged Him. I woke up every morning for months and said. "Don't do it ". And yet He let my husband die. Why would I want to hang out with someone like that? God could have done something and He didn't. I trust her words to me that God's promise to never leave us is true. It just feels like that sentence is meant for heaven and eternity, and that we are left to mostly wander down here on earth with brief moments of a "sense" of His presence. It is certainly not all the time. I am mostly mad at God, yet I continue to pray and study and attend church and do all the things I am supposed to do....just in case someday I start to believe it all. Maybe someday all of this will sink in. Maybe I will understand better. Maybe I won't be mad at Him soon. I have explained to people that I feel I have been wronged by God. It totally feels that way. I don't like this feeling but what else can I do? He could have done something miraculous and chose not to. Maddening.

Yet day after day, I wake up, I work, I play, I move forward. So I guess He hasn't left me. I enjoy many, many parts of life. That's gotta be something, right? Maybe my moving forward is the proof of God's presence in my life. Maybe that is God not forsaking me or leaving me to wallow in self pity. Maybe the enjoyment that I get from directing another show, attending another wedding, going out to lunch with friends, and celebrating birthdays at beautiful vineyards is all part of God being with me.

Well, I am not going to end on a positive note. It would not be a pure reflection of my heart. Hear me say that I know God is with me right now. (Read the paragraph above this one. I just proved it.) But I have to say one more time that it certainly felt like God was forsaking me and leaving me a year ago when John was fading and dying and leaving us. It will always feel wrong. I disagree with the way God "allowed" John to die (the Christian word for "God DID this" - sounds nicer and softer and less mean and calculatedly awful). It will always feel wrong - I already said that.

I need to steep in these thoughts for a while as God burns away the parts that are unclean. Because after a while, I will come out as pure gold.