Me? Apply for a Job?

I have decided, very decisively, that I will not try to look for a JOB-job until January of next year after my daughter, Rachel, has completed her first semester of college. To start something “new” before then would be disastrous. I have a tendency (how do I put this?) to get agitated and impatient when stress comes my way and I don’t want to be that way when Rachel is off at school. So I will put off my job search til NEXT January.

Really…..is that what it is, Kristin?

Busted. I am scared to death. I have not earned over $16,000/year EVER in my life! Perhaps the year that I was an assistant editor for a piano magazine fresh out of college I might have made $20,000. But that was because my flute professor in college got me the internship that landed me the job. I didn’t have to go looking for it.

Since then, every other job has come to ME. I have not had to look for jobs. “Sure, I’ll teach your kid piano lessons”, “Sure I’ll take over your job as choir director”, “Sure I can help with that musical”, “Sure, sure, sure”. People came to me. Jobs came to me. (Notice, they are all music-related positions. Not the biggest money-makers, us musicians.)

So the idea of “applying” for a job and creating my, gulp, “resume” is suffocating. Enough so that I am putting it off and justifying it as “I need to be here for my kids.” In my partial defense, I am currently teaching piano lessons, directing a choir, working at my kids’ school, and playing for and directing some musicals at local community theaters. So I am not doing NOTHING. But I am also NOT writing my resume. Well that’s not true either. This is what I have so far:

OBJECTIVE:

EDUCATION:

WORK EXPERIENCE:

VOLUNTEER EXPERIENCE:

That’s right. Just the headings. At least it’s a start.

Building Trust

“But how can I trust you?”

“Just because you don’t trust me doesn’t mean that I am wrong.”

I can’t believe that I am quoting movie lines. I used to make fun of people who did that. They would quote Lord of the Rings or Star Wars (and not the funny ones like “would someone get this walking carpet out of my way?”) and I was like “What? It’s just a movie.” Perhaps these movie quoters have been on to something -  that life is a lesson. We are all searching for meaning. And we can find that meaning in a movie. *

My quote is from Ocean’s Eleven. George Clooney said it to Julia Roberts. They had been married before (?) and she said that she couldn’t bring herself to trust him about something. His response was that mistrust didn’t mean he had it all wrong. This got me thinking.

I’ve blown it in the past. People have hurt me. God has allowed some major tragedy in my life. When I look to the past, I ask “How can others trust me, how can I trust others, and how can I trust God?” Some may freak out that I just plopped God in that sentence with broken creatures like me and other humans….but I still ask “How can there be trust?” When the past has been tragic and hurtful CAN there be something “right” in there? I would hope so for all 3 scenarios. Me. Others. God.

You see, my mistakes, people’s daggers or abandonment, and God’s “allowing” death and disease and hardship is not the truest thing about any of them. I’ve made mistakes, but I have also done good. People have said stupid, horrible things but they have also lifted me up. God “allowed” my husband to die, but He has provided for me to live. So, just because the “bad” has happened doesn’t mean that “good” doesn’t exist.

George Clooney might have been a snake (albeit a hot one) but not in all things. There is good in us all. The bad is not the truest thing about us. So maybe we can learn to TRUST. Thing is, we have to trust that trusting in trust is something we can trust in...and find healing.

*Best life lesson ever from a movie: “Sometimes you just have to wear stretchy pants” – Nacho Libre

Losing Control

I was just Facebook messaging my friend from college, Mary Cade. (we used to write these silly rhyming poems to each other like “roses are red, violets are blue, what are we doing tonight, and I love you”. Some of them were quite long.) I told her that I feel like I am losing control of my kids. I want to know who they are hanging out with, where they are (thank you to my brother, Randy, who hooked me up with the “Find Friends” app linked to their phones), what they are doing, and when they will be home. Mary Cade asked me to come visit her in Asheville, but I find myself scared to leave my kids at home. I just want to be here. Stay home. Know where they are.

It’s just that John is gone now and I am a single parent. All decisions come from me, not from the two of us. I feel alone and scared and I just want us all to stay home, not go out, not drive in the icy rain, and not talk to people that I don’t even know. I figured out just now that I must be scared that I will lose them, like I lost their father. I lost control of that situation – not that I ever had control. And maybe that is what I need to remind myself. This stuff is not up to me and it never was (nice Sara Groves reference, Kristin.)

I remember writing on our website updates that I take comfort (which literally means “with strength”. Did you know that? Madeleine L’Engle told me) in the fact that God numbers our days. I need to remember that this takes courage, faith and belief in a God who has everything under control and KNOWS what is best. Even if it seems like the worst to me.

So, yes, Mary Cade…I will come visit you. Third weekend in February sound good?

Journaling

In my last blog I quoted the second to last Batman movie. Today, just to show myself that I do have an intellectual side, I will quote Madeleine L’Engle.

She once said “it is alright to wallow in one’s journal; it is a way of getting rid of self-pity and self-indulgence and self-centeredness. What we work out in our journals we don’t take out on our family and friends.”

I have actually blown up balloons for my own self-pity parties. I am good at it. And self-indulgence? Have you SEEN me eat? Don’t even get me started on self-centeredness. This blog is not the time or place.

But my journals, whether they are actually written down or talked out loud during a long run, contain TONS of complaining and self-pity. It’s confession really.  I release those hardened, sticky, cumbersome feelings of “why me?” and “I will never have an easy life?” to the atmosphere of the blue sky and then look up and see the sun, shining. For a moment peace overwhelms me. I will take that moment and cherish it. Because the next day I will probably do the complaining part all over again.

But maybe someday, if I practice this long enough, my complaining will be less and my peace will be more. Maybe I will realize how yucky the complaining feels and how splendid the sun feels. Maybe.

Before my piano lessons come, I gotta get a quick run/complain in. I wouldn’t want to miss the chance for a self-pity party-turned rainbow sighting to pass me by.

Now I'm quoting Batman movies. What next?

Today, I ran on the treadmill at Gold’s Gym in their “cardio-theater”. (Sidebar: I was wearing my son Jake’s batman hat, only to find out they were showing “Dark Knight”. What a batman nerd I must have looked like.) At the end of the movie (no, I did not run for over two hours – I came in for the last 15 minutes), the mayor was asked by a scared woman, “Where is Batman? Why wouldn’t he come?” The mayor answered, “Hopefully because he is busy.” This made me think of Jesus. Let me explain.

Movies and stories now have different meaning for me. I guess I am in search of meaning, of purpose, of healing….and words and beauty and music show me these things. Every sunset I see I think that John told God to show it to me as a reminder of His goodness. Every song I hear I listen for that one phrase that will speak to my soul   - “fashion my heart in Your alchemy”, a Jamie Barnes song. And even Batman and The Hobbit (that one is obvious…Batman not so much.)

Why wouldn’t Batman come? Hopefully because he was busy. Why hasn’t Jesus returned? Because He is busy. Too many times since last April I have sat across from someone and said “I just hope Jesus comes back soon to take us all away from this”. Perhaps because, and this is what I believe, He is busy making all things new. He is busy drawing people to Himself. He is fashioning my heart in His alchemy. He is not done.

He is busy with me alright. For the most part I like it. The painful, sad parts I could do without. But the grieving books are helping me put all these feelings in the right place. I am busy. Jesus is busy. Soon it will be time to celebrate.