Am I Ready?

I remember when John and I talked about having kids. I begged him for about a year to start trying but he wanted a million dollars in the bank first. True story. He actually said that. Let’s just say that eventually I got my way and about 9 months later we had Rachel.

I think we are never “ready” to have kids. My brother and his wife just adopted and they are finding their way, marvelously, as new parents - but the whole thing is overwhelming and there are no real “directions” on how to parent. Sure there is lots of advice but you just kinda have to DO IT.

My point? I have decided I am going to take off my wedding rings.

I figure I will never be “ready”. I just have to do it. Can you imagine with me how I am going to finally decide to do it? It's like ripping off a band-aid, like parachuting, like when I was giving John shots toward the end….how do I bring myself to do this? I haven't done it yet, but I am thinking about deciding to do it.

You see, according to the United States of America, the Social Security Administration, the DMV, and the state of Virginia, etc., I am single. I can no longer check the box that says “married”. I need to start embracing, in truth, my new reality. When I see the rings on my finger, it says to me “married”. But the status of my relationship with John has, in its earthly realms, changed. I do not love him any less. (Probably more, if I am honest.) But our relationship has changed. When we said our vows, we said “til death do us part”. Here we are. I have reached the “til”.

I don’t like it, but there is a reality here for me. I want to live in truth. By taking my rings off, I am facing my story which is now carrying on without John alive. He is most certainly still around - I talk to him and about him often. I want him to be “around” always. So, in this change of relationship, I will take off my rings, save the diamond for Jake, and melt our two wedding bands into something new – something I wear differently as a necklace or a bracelet….perhaps with my favorite word.

HOPE.

Because I have hope that I will see John again. I have hope that this new chapter in my life has purpose and meaning and a future of joy, even in its differentness.

Will you hope that with me?