Does John Know That?

It’s January. 10 weeks after John has died. Wait, is that right? I was definitely keeping an exact count and maybe I am off by a week now. Not sure. I still count. I still REALLY know that he is gone. Very much so.

Top Chef Season 10 started. He doesn’t even know their names. He doesn’t know that my favorite is Brooke. His would be the guy with the funky moustache. And Downton Abbey. He has no idea what is happening (um, neither do I except for all the spoiler alerts on Facebook!) Mad Men will start in April and he won’t see it. Ridiculous. Stupid. I wish he would be here to watch them with me.

John also doesn’t know and cannot see that I ripped up the carpet going up the stairs. You know, the one that I wanted to change for the last 9 years? Yeah, that one. Gone. Redoing the stairs with chalkboard paint on the rise and these cool stick on carpet treads. New artwork, new lamps, new front door mat. AND…..my newly decorated bedroom. White bedding, fun colors of pillows, that “Soli Deo Gloria” painting that Kelly painted during his memorial service, a picture of a bird, and teal lampshades. Its pretty girly. I really like it.

Not sure the theology about whether John SEES and KNOWS these things. But I see and know them. I miss him. I hate watching these shows without him. But I don’t mind the decorating thing without him. I can do what I want now. Choose a color without asking. I will not go overboard, I promise. I am just finding a new color. A new crispness to my air. In the moments of heaviness when I, by myself, watch these TV shows that John and I watched together, I will then go up to my cool new bedroom, grab my ipad, and say goodnight to the wallpaper photo of John, just like I do every night. But this time under a new white duvet.