Losing Control

I was just Facebook messaging my friend from college, Mary Cade. (we used to write these silly rhyming poems to each other like “roses are red, violets are blue, what are we doing tonight, and I love you”. Some of them were quite long.) I told her that I feel like I am losing control of my kids. I want to know who they are hanging out with, where they are (thank you to my brother, Randy, who hooked me up with the “Find Friends” app linked to their phones), what they are doing, and when they will be home. Mary Cade asked me to come visit her in Asheville, but I find myself scared to leave my kids at home. I just want to be here. Stay home. Know where they are.

It’s just that John is gone now and I am a single parent. All decisions come from me, not from the two of us. I feel alone and scared and I just want us all to stay home, not go out, not drive in the icy rain, and not talk to people that I don’t even know. I figured out just now that I must be scared that I will lose them, like I lost their father. I lost control of that situation – not that I ever had control. And maybe that is what I need to remind myself. This stuff is not up to me and it never was (nice Sara Groves reference, Kristin.)

I remember writing on our website updates that I take comfort (which literally means “with strength”. Did you know that? Madeleine L’Engle told me) in the fact that God numbers our days. I need to remember that this takes courage, faith and belief in a God who has everything under control and KNOWS what is best. Even if it seems like the worst to me.

So, yes, Mary Cade…I will come visit you. Third weekend in February sound good?