What I Cannot Let Go Of

From what I am gathering in the 7 books that I am currently reading (“The Grief Recovery Handbook”, “A Healing Place”, “Desire”, “Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul”, “A Grief Observed”, “Mudhouse Sabbath”, and “Wild”) there are no steps to follow in certain order when it comes to grieving my husband John’s death. There is no timeframe to give myself, no certain activities, no absolutes. Sure, there is advice. Duh. I wouldn’t be reading all those books if that weren’t the case. They all say I should keep a journal. Write.

I find writing to be fun, or at least something to do for now. Later on I might find a part-time job and even now I find myself looking for more piano students or saying yes to music gigs. These days I am actually finding things to write about. I notice things more now. Like I am now, finally, awake or something. I kinda like it.

But there are some things that I am not willing to part with. John’s toothbrush, shampoo, and brush all still have its place in my bathroom. I have given shirts, coats, jeans, and sweaters to friends and family, but I won’t part with these. Everyone would expect me to keep the orange lacrosse hat and the Viking helmet, and I have. But I won’t touch his toothbrush. I just can’t. The books tell me this is OK.

I am not completely sure when I will take off my engagement and wedding rings. This is not in the books. I have had to check the “single” box and the “no” box for “Are you married?” (Sidebar: what difference does that make except when it comes to taxes? How does it matter when I sign up for a magazine whether I am married or not?) So I have let go of my marriage status but have not let go of John’s shampoo. Or my rings. Maybe I will do that whenever I feel ready. Or not.